Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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