I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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