Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
