update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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