Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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