So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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