The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it's like heaven, but drunker
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
