I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
