Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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