My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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