My hand turned me down
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
