i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
only if we run a train.
done.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I just sharted jello shots
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
