when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
