No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
