i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
