a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
