So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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