i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
