i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
be right there i have to get my cape
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
