Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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