forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
