why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You made out with two different species that night
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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