I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I wear drunk well.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
