You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
