I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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