Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
