Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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