if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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