My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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