I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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