I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize