i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
