If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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