How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
