He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
