Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
