When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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