It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
