so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
