I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
