My underwear smells like fireworks.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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