Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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