: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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