I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
