i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Someone shit on the floor
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
