I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize