I think I won the penis lottery.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i think my cat just said my name.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
