I wish I could teleport
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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