wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
