I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
