apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
