I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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