Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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