she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
