The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We smell like vodka and hangover
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