By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
