Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
