My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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