just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i will never coherently bang her
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
