his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
