Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
