i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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