So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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