we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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