I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
50% drunk capacity currently
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
