It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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